Can't believe it's been awhile since I last penned down any thoughts or things.
How long has it been?
I know it's been not too long, but somehow it felt like I've abandoned this space for a couple of months already. But in actual fact, it is just about close to a month.
Truth to be told, the reason why I didn't really have the time spent to properly write or provide any updates herein was due to the fact that I was fallen really ill for quite some time. In fact, it was the longest point of time ever since I last felt this sick. I can't recall exactly what led to my inability to recover fully but an episode of recurring flu, cough, heavy breathing, headaches and also wobbliness in my legs hit me each time that I wanted to walk around freely. If you do know me as a person, I'm one to be actively moving around most of the time and also seen as one to be constantly on the go in the mall and any gym/boutique studios for exercises etc. In fact, "taking a break" has never seemed to be a term that I would really use, ever, in my life so far.
Based on the kind of experience that I encountered during my weakest point of time recently, I have even thought that I could have in fact retracted some form of Influenza virus or serious viral infections which have led to my slow rate in recovery. At some point, I even suspected whether I was bound to be getting some form of terminal illness (choi / touch wood *like the Cantonese way*). But honestly, I felt so useless at that time to the extent it led me to begin questioning so many irrelevant things around me and mostly I could share with you, it would be negative thoughts in general. I was quite harsh on myself as well during that phase, thinking that I was being really useless and worthless, unable to contribute to my work (because in the nature of work that I am in at present, I definitely feel that it's a guilty thing to be taking Medical Leaves for a long period continuously and it would create unnecessary comments by some since it's the corporate scene I was caught in), or even doing anything to help the people around me but only SLEEP/REST was all I could do. In actuality, I felt just really inadequate in lots of aspects back then which made me began questioning about my existence in a whole, and even the significance of my presence towards the people whom I care.
Just to briefly share with you, I was still so persistent and hard on myself during that phase in such a way that I was heading back to my workplace and trying to complete my tasks and ensuring that I was not creating any disruption at work so far. However, each time whenever I do that, my condition just worsened and it would lead me to visit the panel clinic again, getting more medications and as a result, leading to longer recovery time. At that time, I truly felt that I was not serving any good purpose to anyone in any sort of ways, be it at work, and to the people around me, whom I truly cared for. But just one fine day, after all the back & forth visits to the panel clinics, finally, I stumbled upon this really helpful female doctor who was on duty that evening at the same clinic that I have been going to while I was ill, which really opened up my mind and made everything to appear even clearer to me that made so much sense.
I still remember my experience from that evening to the clinic. That piece of memory still vividly sits and rings in my mind every now & then. Something that I truly felt it was the calling from God. I felt His presence. It was as though all my prayers were answered from that night. I don't mean to brag or sound boastful about this experience, but never ever in my life have I truly been touched in this way that my heart could finally let go a big load, SOOO big that I could really feel that the heaviness I was carrying all these time, throughout my 26 years of my life, was finally off.
The female doctor began her consultation with me as soon as I walked into the treatment room to see her. She was very patient with trying to understand my personal lifestyle, my working life pattern as well as to my recent encounters/experience emotionally or any special events which I was facing during that period. So, I began telling her not only I was having my menstruation that time, I also caught the flu, sore throat, cough etc from people at work, and explained to her about the recent passing of my grandmother whom I was so close with, to my working environment and job as a whole. From then on, after listening to my quick sharing based on the questions she's asked, she then threw another question to me "Are you happy at your workplace? Are you very stressed with work at the moment?" and then formed a clear conclusion that everything I was going through was stemming from the unhappiness that I have from my workplace, which created this tension breathing and headaches that I was constantly having then. I didn't even understand what she was talking about back then. In actual fact, I thought she must be silly thinking that my work placed such a great/important role in my life, when it was more likely the passing of my grandma that could have contributed to such great impact to me emotionally and mentally, which have caused my unhappiness. It never came across my mind that my work/job was the origination of all these negativities that I was experiencing then, which delayed my recovery process, and also led to such low immune system to my body that the doctor claimed from that night.
I had to take some time to digest what she said. She was truly helpful and kind by offering me another day of Medical Leave and told me to rest through the weekend, rather than going back to work. I wanted to refuse the offer initially because to me, it would just create another impression at my workplace then that I was "finding excuse" and "being lazy", hence, the extra Medical Leave. But since I was not getting any better and to heed the doctor's advice, I just accepted it. From that night onwards, I started thinking more about the words given by the doctor herself. Not only I had the time to pounder on late night thoughts about my workplace etc, I also had some time to speak to older people from relevant industry or at least have gone through similar working environment with me, and also with people whom cared for me. With the benefit of having those life conversations/sharing sessions and having been able to think through things properly without being disturbed with any work related matters then, it became so clear to me that what the doctor said to me was extremely true. SPOT ON.
The moment when I started thoroughly assessing all the surroundings/situations/issues/people (from materials to living things etc), it all made sense to me that it was my inability to let go and the guilt that I was facing from work. Deep down inside my heart, there was a very strong feeling that I had which led me to understand that I was ready to move on and to bid goodbye to my corporate job. It was a message that I felt being touched by, which did not really make much sense to me at that point of time, but rather, I knew it was a kind of question/decision that I would have to face or talk about or bring myself forward to those people who would eventually be affected by it - the intention of leaving my current job. This was because I knew so well and have assessed carefully about what would be the responses/reactions that I would get or should at least expect and be prepared to answer coming from those who matter to me:
Just to briefly share with you, I was still so persistent and hard on myself during that phase in such a way that I was heading back to my workplace and trying to complete my tasks and ensuring that I was not creating any disruption at work so far. However, each time whenever I do that, my condition just worsened and it would lead me to visit the panel clinic again, getting more medications and as a result, leading to longer recovery time. At that time, I truly felt that I was not serving any good purpose to anyone in any sort of ways, be it at work, and to the people around me, whom I truly cared for. But just one fine day, after all the back & forth visits to the panel clinics, finally, I stumbled upon this really helpful female doctor who was on duty that evening at the same clinic that I have been going to while I was ill, which really opened up my mind and made everything to appear even clearer to me that made so much sense.
I still remember my experience from that evening to the clinic. That piece of memory still vividly sits and rings in my mind every now & then. Something that I truly felt it was the calling from God. I felt His presence. It was as though all my prayers were answered from that night. I don't mean to brag or sound boastful about this experience, but never ever in my life have I truly been touched in this way that my heart could finally let go a big load, SOOO big that I could really feel that the heaviness I was carrying all these time, throughout my 26 years of my life, was finally off.
The female doctor began her consultation with me as soon as I walked into the treatment room to see her. She was very patient with trying to understand my personal lifestyle, my working life pattern as well as to my recent encounters/experience emotionally or any special events which I was facing during that period. So, I began telling her not only I was having my menstruation that time, I also caught the flu, sore throat, cough etc from people at work, and explained to her about the recent passing of my grandmother whom I was so close with, to my working environment and job as a whole. From then on, after listening to my quick sharing based on the questions she's asked, she then threw another question to me "Are you happy at your workplace? Are you very stressed with work at the moment?" and then formed a clear conclusion that everything I was going through was stemming from the unhappiness that I have from my workplace, which created this tension breathing and headaches that I was constantly having then. I didn't even understand what she was talking about back then. In actual fact, I thought she must be silly thinking that my work placed such a great/important role in my life, when it was more likely the passing of my grandma that could have contributed to such great impact to me emotionally and mentally, which have caused my unhappiness. It never came across my mind that my work/job was the origination of all these negativities that I was experiencing then, which delayed my recovery process, and also led to such low immune system to my body that the doctor claimed from that night.
I had to take some time to digest what she said. She was truly helpful and kind by offering me another day of Medical Leave and told me to rest through the weekend, rather than going back to work. I wanted to refuse the offer initially because to me, it would just create another impression at my workplace then that I was "finding excuse" and "being lazy", hence, the extra Medical Leave. But since I was not getting any better and to heed the doctor's advice, I just accepted it. From that night onwards, I started thinking more about the words given by the doctor herself. Not only I had the time to pounder on late night thoughts about my workplace etc, I also had some time to speak to older people from relevant industry or at least have gone through similar working environment with me, and also with people whom cared for me. With the benefit of having those life conversations/sharing sessions and having been able to think through things properly without being disturbed with any work related matters then, it became so clear to me that what the doctor said to me was extremely true. SPOT ON.
The moment when I started thoroughly assessing all the surroundings/situations/issues/people (from materials to living things etc), it all made sense to me that it was my inability to let go and the guilt that I was facing from work. Deep down inside my heart, there was a very strong feeling that I had which led me to understand that I was ready to move on and to bid goodbye to my corporate job. It was a message that I felt being touched by, which did not really make much sense to me at that point of time, but rather, I knew it was a kind of question/decision that I would have to face or talk about or bring myself forward to those people who would eventually be affected by it - the intention of leaving my current job. This was because I knew so well and have assessed carefully about what would be the responses/reactions that I would get or should at least expect and be prepared to answer coming from those who matter to me:
- "Who will be supporting you financially after you leave your corporate job?"
- "What are your plans after you quit your job?"
- "Does this means that you are going to give up your career?"
- "Are you sure this is what you want or have you really thought through it because it is a waste, if you asked me.."
- "I thought you love your job being in the financial industry and working as an Investment Banker all these while, because you seemed to be really good at your job.."
- "I thought this path was what you wanted all these while, hence, you joined the investment bank after you graduated with your masters degree.."
- "Just make sure you can support yourself financially even after you have quit your corporate job, because I definitely won't be responsible in giving you any allowance etc to support your lifestyle etc.."
The above mentioned so far were truly questions and responses that I somehow received when I began discussing about the "intention".. However, it was a first step that I had to have the courage to take no matter what. It was just a matter of time - when I wanted to bring that topic up eventually. Because I definitely can't run away from it. & the biggest weakness that I have to admit about having is my strong personality & attitude - whereby I would never ever in a million years quit or even give up on something or let alone say NO. Therefore, my biggest struggle at that point was the letting go part, especially on my first official full-time employed job since I graduated and came out of university. If you are one who has followed me through or really understood me well as a person/friend/family, never ever in my living years have I ever said such words:
I'm giving up on you; I'm quitting this; I'm failing; I'm leaving you; I'm not listening or doing it, get someone else to do it for you; I give up, I can't do it anymore.... & the list goes on
In view of the above, it became EVEN clearer to me that I should start making a decision and informing to the responsible people at my workplace about my intention to leave before I formally make any decisions in quitting my corporate job. Even so, I kept worrying about what's going to happen after I leave, whether the junior I was closely working with and putting the effort to train then would have a difficult time coping with the job, and whether would it be too overwhelming for the team if I leave them. But much to my surprises and in fact, beyond my expectations, I actually received plenty of support and great advices by those who truly matters and from people whom I love. & from then on, it became so clear to me and everything made sense where I could finally put all the puzzle pieces together - I am certainly blessed and it was a "life" decision that I needed to finally make for myself given that I was backed by people who loved and truly cared for my happiness as a whole.
& to further add on, I would like to say this...
From the moment when I have had the courage to accept the fact that leaving my job was the right decision that I needed to do for myself in order for me to move on to something better in life without truly weighing the real pros and cons from the outcome of my decision in leaving... that "LOAD" was immediately lifted from my heart etc, and without much realisation, I found that I was recovering from all the heavy breathing, migraines etc that I initially was diagnosed with by the doctor. Thankfully, these were all written not on baseless evidence or just pure story-telling or some fantasies which I have formed in my head; but people who were there every step of the way from before to after I have made such decision, knew and could be the living witnesses to all of my sharing today. & for that, I am truly thankful and would say that God has never abandoned me at times when I felt the most vulnerable and pointless in life where I couldn't ever see any directions to every actions that I was taking. He definitely ensured that I could see and experience those pain and feelings which He wanted me to have where it would prepare me to move on to next greater place in life which He's had in store for me (yet to be discovered, hehe)...
From the moment when I have had the courage to accept the fact that leaving my job was the right decision that I needed to do for myself in order for me to move on to something better in life without truly weighing the real pros and cons from the outcome of my decision in leaving... that "LOAD" was immediately lifted from my heart etc, and without much realisation, I found that I was recovering from all the heavy breathing, migraines etc that I initially was diagnosed with by the doctor. Thankfully, these were all written not on baseless evidence or just pure story-telling or some fantasies which I have formed in my head; but people who were there every step of the way from before to after I have made such decision, knew and could be the living witnesses to all of my sharing today. & for that, I am truly thankful and would say that God has never abandoned me at times when I felt the most vulnerable and pointless in life where I couldn't ever see any directions to every actions that I was taking. He definitely ensured that I could see and experience those pain and feelings which He wanted me to have where it would prepare me to move on to next greater place in life which He's had in store for me (yet to be discovered, hehe)...
I know this may sound a bit too exaggerating or crazy to some of you, but honestly, I would indeed view all these experiences which I have gone through so far from my workplace, unknowingly, as one of the best life-learning experience which has served me a very good training and foundation in my preparation to overcome anything in my life in the near future. I wouldn't ever say that my corporate job has always been easy to me since I started more than two years ago after I graduated, however, I have learnt so much through the hardest way which I am so happy to be sharing with you now that I am definitely prepared to move on to the next stage in life (not married life only of course), but also something else better which He has prepared for me. & again, I just want to say, up until today, I am still constantly amazed by how I am being blessed in so many different ways.
Today's post is just something that I have been meaning to pen down since it's something so personal to me that I truly believe that by writing it down, it will only serve as a reminder to me when I look back some time in future on how I managed to survive being an adult in this realistic world... Not only that, I hope that my sharing today could probably be relatable to some of you out there?
Hmm.. That's all for now.. But I would love to share more on my corporate job etc when I have some time later on.. Maybe it would be another next lengthy post, haha. Stay tuned then!
Oh, would like to side track a bit too... Probably I'd also share more about my proposal experience and pen it down soon... If there's actually any one that would be interested in reading about it. Heh.
Anyways, it's the 30th of July today, and there's only one more day till the next new calendar month of August begins! Can't believe we have passed the half-year mark of 2019 already. It's been crazy and to learn how fast time flies honestly. But as long as we are spending it through the right way and with the right company all the time, it's never a waste..! Don't you guys all agree on that point with me? 😁😄😆
Okie dokes, that should be all for today.
Till then,
✗
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