Today's post is rather a dedication post to my most highly-respected, lovable, and precious grandma who left us too soon on a Friday, 10th of May 2019.
I would very much like to pen down every thoughts, memories and feelings that I have towards my late grandma here in this space. Even though I know it's often easier said than done, however, I hope that this post will always serve as a reminder to my future self too that I once had the privilege of being blessed with such great love from my grandma whom I shared such fond memories of growing up as a child since young for a whole 26 years.
I remember everything so vividly, the night before her passing.
It was a late Thursday. I got off work as usual, and was just finishing up my late dinner at Super Saigon after a late night p.m. Pilates class around Bangsar area where I started receiving text messages from the WhatsApp group chat I was in with my aunties and mum. Around 9 something at night, one of my aunties took the initiative to update the group chat saying that my grandma's uric acid level was exceedingly high, far too high than the readings of someone deemed normal.
Just a fair share to all of you while you're reading this, my grandma has been in and out of the hospital for her regular check-ups on a diligent basis and everything was as per normal until some time last year around late May/early June of 2018, where her report showed that her kidney's functioning level has greatly reduced to quite a worrisome figure. From then onwards, she has been visiting the hospital and treatment centres more often to carry out her dialysis treatment. Not only the dialysis treatment has taken quite a toll on her body and health as my grandma is not someone really small in size but rather quite the opposite, coupled with such thin fine legs that my grandma have, these combinations and changes definitely did not complement well to her entire package + outgoing, loud personality/behaviour as well as her once "active" lifestyle as a grandma.
She started losing more muscles mass and strength since then, but even so, she was still very persistent in going for her usual Mahjong and yum cha sessions a few times in a week when she's not at the dialysis centre doing her treatment or at home watching her favourite TV programmes. If you don't know about this, my grandma has always known to have a strong passion towards gambling, more particularly "Mahjong" with her friends and kaki-s. Hence, she's really active most days running here & there for her "gambling session" and to meet up with her friends for meals/yum cha (coffee).
Things started deteriorating when she insisted on going to meet her friends on a Christmas eve last year in 2018, where I remember I just had my Lasik treatment done not too long ago, hence I wanted to go over to visit her since I was still on my Medical leave then instead of my usual routine working at the office, only to find out that she has already gone out for her Mahjong and yumcha session since early morning. But this time round, things didn't turn out quite the same like it used to, in fact, we were alerted that grandma has fallen down and it was rather a bad fall. The driver who took her there sent her back home immediately and I witnessed it all - from how remorseful she felt to how she started blaming herself for being stubborn etc; all because she didn't heed the advice from my uncle before that for not getting out of the house especially on a Christmas eve period (just to be safe, like the Chinese saying goes). Since that fall onwards, her mobility started becoming worse and she began to rely more on the helper and family members who were living under the same roof with her. Things didn't turn optimistic as she felt useless/powerless most days since she could not move around independently for her usual activities which she once enjoyed attending to so often. However, she was still so cheerful and the same old person each time when I go over to visit her, speak to her etc. Just that, I could not help but to notice the difference in my grandma: it felt that she no longer feel passionate or eager about the life she was living; in my opinion, I had the impression that she was not living the best life she envisioned herself to have during her 80s, being out there with her friends, playing and gambling till late and after dinner. There was certainly a difference in the aura that she gave off.
Another turning point which made her condition worsened was when her persistency and stubbornness drove her to a second and final fall this year, around late March/early April. She insisted strongly to visit the hair salon somewhere located in PJ area, a recommendation by her friend, instead of her usual hairdresser which is much more convenient and easily accessible. I'm not sure how well you guys know old folk's behaviour are, but if they want something, they will definitely make a big fuss out of it till' they get 'em. Hence, my auntie had no choice but to send her to this hairdresser which was highly-recommended by her friend. However, things didn't look optimistic at all when she stubbornly did not wait till' my auntie settled down with the car parking etc before she started walking to the place with the helper. As soon as my auntie arrives, little did she know that my grandma has suffered another fall, but this time round, she was lucky that her fall was not only supported by her helper but also a kind old man who managed to catch her in time. Since then, she not only stopped going out for her usual activities, but it was almost only the dialysis treatment centre that she would visit. This was because standing up was even a huge difficulty for her then.
From that fall onwards, all I could hear was news of grandma being difficult, uncooperative, emotional etc from her own children, including my mum of course. I felt really useless each time and it was really hurtful to learn about these things, seeing that I could not help much as I was not in the best position to "voice" out my thoughts etc at all. It was really difficult learning about them but also not being able to help grandma out of that situation which she was trapped at. Rather, I blame myself for not spending enough time with her since I was too focused on attending my usual 9-6.30+++ p.m. routine from Monday's - Friday's and my weekend activities.
Fast-forward to the day before her passing after I have received those text messages from the WhatsApp group about her condition, I immediately head to the University Hospital at UM which she was admitted to. When I arrived late that night, she was still not given a proper treatment/room area but rather a small space separated from other patients in the Emergency room. The only reason why she was admitted to UM was because of the doctor's referral. According to her usual doctor who treats her, UM is one of the places which has all the equipments catered to her needs, in the event if grandma requires additional assistance regarding her kidney's condition etc. The chances of grandma surviving that night due to her condition was a 50-50. Even so, as I arrived at the hospital, after seeing her, I still had a very strong feeling that deep down, grandma will survive this as always, and I know she is very strong. That was why no matter how hard I kept fighting back my tears as I spoke to her in person that night, I didn't want to think that my farewell to her late that night was in fact my official last goodbye to her.
Most of us left the hospital as soon as we were comforted by the idea that she could finally be admitted to a proper treatment area upstairs to proceed with the dialysis treatment that she has been waiting for. I remember only going to bed around 2-ish in the morning that day and also asking mum when will we hear an update again from the hospital or any news whatsoever. But mum replied: "No news is definitely good news. That's what we all want." Yes. That's what I thought to myself too. However, shortly by 5 something close to 6 a.m., the news that we all never wanted to hear did come after all. All I knew was "PO PO IS IN CRITICAL STAGE NOW!" - words that shouted out of my mum's mouth that morning. I immediately rushed out of bed, remembering that I didn't even brush my teeth etc, just changed into something really decent and followed my mum, sister and younger brother to the car where we rushed straight to the UM.
Everything felt like a dream. It felt so surreal. My head spun endlessly and I couldn't recall the exact feeling that I had then but just the constant fear and thought of losing my grandma forever. The moment we arrived at the hospital and went straight to her treatment bed, she was already wrapped up in a mommy-like, it was as though they were ready to take her corpse away to the cold room for storage. It was my first time witnessing such a sight. At that moment it hit me really hard. It hit me so badly that I felt numbness in my whole entire body. I couldn't believe that the words, the touch, the warmth, the sense of feeling, the voice, the body contact and interactions that I had with my grandma the night before, were really the last moments and closure that I have with her. It wasn't the best proper farewell and I certainly didn't see any of this coming, but I felt the relief and peace in my heart, knowing that I managed to exchange words and experience such heartfelt moments with her before she leave.
As much as I would have wished that I was there the moment she passed, part of me felt that maybe she knew all along that she was ready to leave. She didn't want any of us to see her off. In fact, when I saw her body as we unzipped the bag in the ward, her lips and eyes were shut nicely; lips were giving off a sign of smile. I was glad to see such a sight. It felt comforting to know that she was definitely at a better place now in Heaven. She no longer needs to go through the suffering she dreads for. It was such a hectic morning and everything happened too fast. All of us - the close family members, just needed time to mourn and let our minds process the fact that grandma has officially left us that morning. We were also supposed to have an early Mother's Day celebration over a potluck feast the next day (Saturday) as Mother's Day was on a Sunday. So we, the cousins, aunties and uncles from my mum's side has had it all planned out - even regarding the food etc to bring. Instead of a Mother's Day celebration this year for my grandma and mum, we had a 3-days wake session held at Nirvana memorial centre. I believe that the funeral was an occasion that brought all of us closer, seeing how much close and fond memories we shared together among the cousins and families. It was really a rare occasion for everyone to be at the same place and time, even though it was over a funeral.
I'm not sure whether how true this holds, but during the passing of my grandma, it definitely helped me in realising those who will always truly be there for me as a close, caring friend, someone who would reach out or even check-in on me at times when I'm at my lowest point in life. And for that, I'm eternally grateful and thankful of to have identified and known such kind people in life at this age. I can't help but to notice that losing someone so close and dear to you could teach you so much about life lessons, even though it's not supposed to be learnt that way. But more often than not, believe it or not, it is always when you start to lose something so important to you or probably the thought of losing something important to you forever when it actually happens, will leave such a significant impact in your life. Of course, this is also subject to individual, depending on each and everyone's reaction and response to such life-changing events.
However, the biggest key takeaway lesson that I can safely gather from this incident and through the passing of my grandma is that...
Life will still go on no matter whether you are having your bad or good days; people still come and go. It is your responsibility and own effort to ensure that for whatever you're doing in your life, you don't ever live with regrets, or don't ever walkaway thinking that you can still do it again tomorrow if it's something that you should have done it for today. Be happy with every choices that you make in life. Don't live by constant complaints about how you should have done it, but rather, make a change about your life so that you don't have to live by the same complaints anymore. If God has blessed us with a chance to live everyday, make full use of it by sharing positivity through your words, be it a small encouragement or even any form of compliments. Make someone's day happy by simply living your best every day. Don't ever be a sour grape, or sore eyes about other people's achievements or whatsoever. Learn to say sorry and also thank you genuinely at times when you need to, it definitely helps a lot. Be thankful and grateful for the people we have been blessed with in life 😊
I guess that's all about my sharing for today on my thoughts about life etc. Maybe it's been quite a bore to most of you. But I'm glad that I still have a space that I'm "sort of" maintaining up until today which allows me to vent out my feelings at times when I have no space to shout out to. However, this is probably a personal preference thing. Not many people would agree to this form of practice, but some would view it as attention seeking. However, believe it or not, blogging/writing has been my thing since primary school days last time if you have followed my blog since ages or to those who knew me way back then. So it's not something new to me. I would say it's more of a habit or lifestyle that I've adapted to which has also partially helped to mould me to the individual that I am of today 😆
Alright.. & finally, some of the more recent pictures or rather pictures that I would definitely love to post here since my grandma carries such a wonderful and loving cute smile on her face in the following pictures that I'm about to share *winksss*
* * *
This was taken on 23rd December 2017. During Vincent & Janet's morning tea ceremony at Vin's place.
A close-up with the remaining cousins from mum's side who decided to throw a Mother's Day celebration for our grandma. Taken on 13 May 2017. She always has a difficulty giving out a big smile when it comes to a big group photo. Especially when I remember that night was a drama (only those who were present will truly understand what happened that night).
Another small group photo :)
During the dinner reception of #LoVinJanet (Vin & Janet's wedding) on 23rd December 2017. Always loved calling my grandma over to take spontaneous selfies.
Another one where my grandma has shown her grin so happily during the night of the wedding dinner. It was such a memorable night where I can't believe grandma could sustain through the entire night without complaining a word of tired!
Me dressed up in my own design of my gown with my ever so pretty and fabulous grandma at Grand Hyatt Hotel's lobby.
A random steamboat night at Janet's parents place - this is another time to call for a random spontaneous selfie with grandma again!
My first CNY eve celebration dinner at Ritz Carlton Hotel, KL with grandma back in 2017. Both of us looking so "Ang-Ang" to usher the new year of ROOSTER!
Grandma's co-birthday celebration with Wayn Min this year where she turned 84 during her year, which is the year of PIG *OINK OINK*. As you can see from this picture, she has aged so much ever since she started her dialysis treatment coupled with the first fall she had during Christmas Eve. We didn't manage to have a group photo with her at all this time round during her birthday celebration at my aunt's place.
Throwback to a time where all of us were so happily hugging one another at MBS Hotel, Singapore during Esther & Sean's big day!
This was taken many, many years back!! Believe it or not, I think I was still in college those days, or probably only on my first year UNI!. How time flies... Notice how my grandma loves wearing the same old pink top? hehe. This top was known as one of her favourites for all occasion according to my relatives.
And finally, turning 24 in 2017. Celebrated it at St Regis over a close-knitted family lunch occasion. My first birthday celebration with grandma after 6 years. It was really a great one ♡
* * *
Last but not least...
To my late grandma,
I hope that one day as I grow older, I would still be able to maintain such activeness and outgoing lifestyle with a group of people and friends to share common interests with me. I hope that even when I hit my 80s, I would still keep myself up-to-date with the latest gossip news in the entertainment and show biz industry like you. I hope that I can still stay up late like you to watch live matches on badminton etc as I hit your age in future... I know that I no longer can have the privilege of tasting your best home cooked meals ever again, but trust me, the taste of every dishes you have prepared for us all since young will always ring strongly in my mind. I know you can always sing praises about your dishes and how you have always complained about dishes outside can't be compared to yours simply because your cooking is no doubt one of the bests that I have ever tasted up until today. From the pork trotter vinegar, braised chicken feet with mushroom sauce, chicken rice wine, vegetarian dishes, fish head curry noodles, Yong Tao Fu, and also to endless choice of soup you have prepared for us since young, they are sincerely the best I have ever had in this lifetime. I don't know when will I ever have the chance of tasting such wonderful delicacies again, but one thing I know for sure is that you are definitely at a safe and better place now. I am sincerely glad to know that God has freed you from all the sufferings. You are truly a grandma that every grandkid would longed to have. And I thank you for always listening to my rants about schooling days, work, relationships, mum, money etc. I wonder when will I have the chance to see you again? Probably the next time when you come back to visit me in my dreams again... I miss you always. Miss the touch of your warmth around my waist.. How you always say I need to keep myself warm since my feet and hands always felt cold. Thank you for allowing me to serve you as your granddaughter for these 26 years. I hope I have not disappointed you in any ways.
LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER MY CUTE, LOVING GRANDMA WHO IS TALENTED IN SO MANY WAYS ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE. YOU ARE INDEED A SUPER MUM AND GRANDMA.
Till then,
✗
Post Comment
Post a Comment