KrystalH❤︎

Be who you want to be, not what others expect of you;

Celebrate the meaning of life

21 November 2019
Life is truly indeed a blessing.





I wish to say this to everyone out there, but sometimes, it's more of a constant self-reminder to myself  every now and then that we should often take a step back, slow down, and take time to reflect and to think about those people around us that we should always give thanks to, celebrate the meaning of life and the living always instead of being trapped in constant complaints about how bad our day was, listening to unnecessary gossips or rumours, sucked into negativities and drawn to things that are not beneficial at all to our overall well-being but rather to create more confusion and deception, lies into our lives. 

To those who knows me well or probably have followed my blog since ancient days ago, I am one who loves to eat, travel, passionate about sharing my personal experiences and talk about my daily life on this platform or space of mine. Recent years or days shall I say, I have grown to let this space to become a medium for me to share my personal encounter or sometimes, reflection that I have gathered or learnt through my experience in life. I hope my sharing or story here could be of some key takeaway to maybe some of you out there, who perhaps are going through the same situation or probably would love to get some answers etc too. Either way, feel free to always reach out no matter what. I believe being able to talk about your feelings or experiences freely without any form of boundaries or restrictions are the best way to confront or cope with your feelings that sometimes you feel difficult or ashamed to even bring yourself forward to admit them. Well, what should I say to those of you who feels that way? 

"Don't be afraid. Life is all about learning and falling down. As long as we are able to take the first step by coming forward, it is one of the biggest achievements already. In fact, you did a great job by firstly admitting to the problems or circumstances you are facing as it requires an immense amount of courage to do so. Hence, a big applause to yourself :) These are baby steps and you have to acknowledge that it is truly a form of achievement. Do not be discouraged or be worried about what others would say or talk about us, because deep down inside, only the ones who are facing or struggling with the problems know the truth. We are all not here to judge but to help." 

Throughout my recent weeks, I have encountered many hurtful incidents which was so unexpected that it could have brought me to endless tears, state of depression or even mental breakdown etc. However, before I even bring myself to that state, I managed to convince myself that God is so loving and that His love is so great and unconditional that I should not even bring harm to myself. He doesn't want me to feel broken, and in fact, I have to be thankful as such that being here today and able to write or share this on my blog is already a blessing. I have to remember that as I am typing these now, there are nearly two people who are dying each second, or even those who are battling diseases, struggling to stay alive. Here I am, healthy as horse ever, which is truly a purpose to celebrate and be thankful of. Life is indeed a long journey ahead. Those ups and downs in our lives are placed there for a reason, a purpose to only steer us towards the direction that we're meant to head to, and to grow as an individual in life. I love that no matter what happens in life, whether it is a form of grief or joy, I would always take it as an arrangement or plan by our loving God that it happened for a reason. I can only emphasise that nothing was ever there to bring harm or cause misery in my life, but rather, it was placed there at the very beginning just to prepare me for something better in life, a greater future and plan that He has for me. And for that, I am sincerely grateful that no matter what happens now and in the future, I have placed complete trust in Him, that He will only prosper and guide me towards greater cause in life as long as I continue to pursue and obey Him :) 

I love that I have always been so true to myself and to people around me. Whether or not it is towards random people from the any shops that I go to, people on the streets, janitors who clean the toilets at the shopping mall, security guards etc, I have always been happy seeing people who are always there offering their help to the society be it in a small or big form of contribution. Everyone that we encounter or meet in life isn't by chance I believe, but it is by a pre-destined arrangement by God. Hehe. If you believe it or not, there is no such thing in this world or life as being "coincidental". I believe that when things happen, it definitely happens for a reason but not simply by probability/chance. Yes, to those non-believers out there, you can probably try to use your  endless theories/science etc to rationalise or back-up all these encounters, however, what I would love to say is that sometimes, there simply isn't any facts/theories or even extravagance scientific theories to prove the supernatural things that we experience in life. Life is simply a miracle, isn't it? ;) 

In addition, there isn't much effort that you truly need to give just to make someone's day or befriend with someone. All you need to do is be your true self, and shed light and bring joy to others around you by just saying a few simple words like "How's your day?" or "Thank you very much". I believe that these powerful words are also a form of small encouragement that we can help to make someone's day. 

I love that no matter how bad my day or a phase of my life goes, I can still pick myself up real quick and realise that there is so much more to offer in my life and to help those who are truly in need rather than being all sad and depressed about a small little problem or situation that I face. I am so thankful indeed for always being able to realise why certain things happen without even having any proper explanation or closure from the people that I need answers from. However, I keep reminding myself that it's okay, as long as I have done my best and live my life without any regrets and given more than what I should without living in lies and being true to my own feelings, I believe that there isn't anything that I should feel apologetic of / regretful of ever at present or even in the future. 

Given the fact that I have lost someone so dearly in my life this year near Mother's Day which was so unexpected and part of me still believe that I should have done more then, however, I believe that my grandma's loss was meant for a reason too. There is no point crying over spilt milk. As such, since then, I have told myself that I do not want to live in any regrets ever, but rather, live each day as a blessing and take it as a chance to change and improve ourselves. And with that mindset, we will not have any regrets even when things happen too unexpectedly or sudden in life. Therefore, to those who are going through circumstances in life now that you are unable or struggling to seek answers or closure etc, do not ever be disheartened and discouraged. Please do not ever bottle everything up and blame yourself or ever feel ashamed/embarrassed about it. Nothing happens without a true purpose, please trust that. And if you ever need someone to confide to, please do come out of your closet and try to speak to people whom you trust like close families or friends who are always so loving and ready to be there for you no matter what goes through in your life. Never feel that you are alone in such dark or difficult circumstances in life. You will only end up being ever more lonely if you are unable to come out of your current circumstances and speak about it freely with people who you can trust in life. 

In short, to everyone out there, please know your true value and worth in life. There is so much more that life has to offer us. There is no such thing as a wasted lesson or time ever. Love yourself always and truly, and then you can only accept and give love freely as a blessing to others and those around you. Last but not least, always remember that life is really a blessing. Do not ever feel discouraged by some difficult circumstances you are encountering in life now because life is indeed a long journey. These lessons and mistakes are there to mould us and shape us into someone stronger, and greater in future. Hence, start by doing something positive each day as a stepping stone to walk this journey call life ahead! ☺💓

I shall end my long-winded post about my reflection on my latest encounters in life. I hope it did not bore you guys but rather, you managed to pick something up from my post too!


Till then,

Taking things for granted

4 August 2019
Hey all.

It's already a f r e s h new month...




& well, I can't stop but being super excited and happy about the days ahead that are about to come. That's simply because after the recent reflection and for all the things I have gone through as a child up until today, I realised one very, very important thing... I have never been able to strongly pursue something that I genuinely am passionate about. If you know me well as a person, it is true that I have always been a high achiever, be it from extra-curricular activities, to my education and up to my job profession to. No matter what I do in life so far, I will always try to give my very best and in fact for most of the time, it's always at least my very 100% own effort or more often, exceeding that. Thankfully, I have close friends, family, loved ones around me who can certainly vouch for that trait of mine. & because of that, I realised that for what I've been doing so far in my life up until my present job (which I'm going to officially bid goodbye soon...), was done out of true, genuine and sincere love, respect and in total obedience towards the people who have raised me up so dearly by providing me with all the relevant training and education etc since young, which have moulded me into this young lady today. 

As such, all these qualifications, job titles etc that I have gained/achieved overall so far as a child up until today, was never really something that I have always wanted to pursue or chase for. In fact, I had a fear all these time and constant questions about what would eventually happen if I did not give my best towards the things that I was tasked to do or at least "expected" to do (without saying as a daughter/individual/young lady) by those who poured out so much effort and time in ensuring that I have been well taken care of in life. However, I realised as I was trying to constantly match up to their expectations, it has gradually become or developed into a burden to myself without me even realising it. 

Pursuant from my recent recovery after I fell sick from my previous post, it has truly opened up my heart and also allowed me to reflect and realised so much, that this so-called "perfectionist" trait or the inability to let my actions have any chance of leading to failure towards those who I deem as people whom I'm indebted to (from school, work, home, anyone whom I've once connected with which have taught me things or have played any role in contributing any good form of gesture/actions in my life), is one of the qualities/personalities that I have come to understand only recently which have been deeply embedded in me since young. & unknowingly, it is also a trait I carry which most often, will be taken advantage of by people whom I never expected would do that towards me... Therefore, without truly being mindful of how this trait of mine which I have comfortably used it to represent/carry myself (unknowingly) and lived with all these years of my life - I have come to a realisation recently that I shall not let the past events which I have experienced from workplace to affect or change me as a person in a whole despite knowing how easily sometimes this trait of mine can be deemed as a weakness or even some powerful trait which can be manipulated or used by others in order to achieve their goals in life. 

I can't help but only to assume that some may have the following thoughts or may want to say these which are more inclined towards the negative side of things simply because it would be the most realistic response that I believe most would say to me after reading all of the above:
  1. "That's life, we move on after encountering bad experience at work etc.. That's how we grow up.. "
  2. "That just shows you're unable to move on.. It means that you're just holding grudges towards that person/people etc.."
  3. "That's part of growing up. We have gone through that and been there before, done that too.."
  4. "You should be glad that you have discovered these side of things now rather than later."
  5. "You shouldn't have placed too much trust on someone/people at work in the first place."
  6. "You should know when to give your trust or when not to give your trust out so easily to people at work."
  7. "You should know how to draw a line at work - learn how to differentiate when to deliver and give your best and when to not etc..."
  8. "You could have learnt how to say NO or refuse to do work if you think you're being tasked unfairly etc.."
  9. "You're just too soft/stupid.. If I were you, I wouldn't have even agreed to it etc or even led myself to go through such unnecessary burden/pressure.."

After going through all of the above mentioned, I am pretty sure that some or most of you would already have an idea or possibly full story in mind of what I have actually experienced or gone through at work for the past few years as soon as I step foot into the working world right after graduating as a Masters student officially (again, unknowingly....note that the word "unknowingly" is heavily repeated somehow).. In view of the above, some of you may even agree or come to conclusion that these are naturally things that would cropped up in life because they are incidents that everyone of us are bound to experience as soon as we step foot into the real life/world call "work life". 

Well . . . As if I did not know about that already... 

But, as I grow up, I have always had the benefit and experience of only hearing about these from a third party point of view and through words of wisdom shared by people and those who are way ahead of me with more experience in both life and work; and never in a million, million years, have I ever thought that these words or "realistic" things would actually happen to me in such a personal way to the extent that it almost led me to losing trust in people (at workplace).. I mean, I have always seen these through by watching dramas etc and listening to words/stories of others, but it really never struck my mind before that it could actually happened to me. Like WOW.. When I look back at all these signs, and hints so far from my workplace and how I was being treated, it just reflected on how fresh and obedient I was back then when I first started my job.. & even so, I still trusted those who always claimed that they are guiding me and watching over me and continued to behave and delivered my work at all times in a manner that I would never give in to any room of failure and let alone towards those at work who claimed that they appreciate my work etc. 

I never knew by placing trust or with the strong character that I have all these while (ME: I would never doubt the people around me at workplace since they are viewed as my mentors from the very first day I started working in my first official corporate job) whereby I would always give my best and strive at work at all times would actually lead to such experience in my life or more specifically, being taken advantage of. Moreover, it has never ever crossed my mind that this trait of mine whereby I have been delivering my quality of work in the same way no less than how I have always given to things around me since young from my university days where I would excel all the way, would be deemed as a great tool to be manipulated by some whom I have always looked up to or respected at work, or more importantly, a true mentor whom I trusted solely which would be the one to witness my personal growth/development at work and to also know how to give me the kind of reward that I would never ever have to ask for. 

In a nutshell, all these written words are truly my personal encounter and sharing so far. I don't want to be writing or leaving/quoting names of who or what specifically is, but I want this space to constantly be a ringing reminder to my future self when I look back at this space and progress further in life that: 
I have actually grown up so much over the years through all these... And these are the feelings/personal encounters/incidents that I had experienced back then which led me to who I am today.
My working experience outside since the day I have graduated may not be a lot to most of you, but to me, it has been a very enriching learning experience where I'm so happy and proud to say, I am really a grown up adult now. I am glad to know that I can see through things much easily compared to those days where I first graduated as a freshie. & even though I have gone through the pain of being manipulated without realisation throughout the years at my workplace, it is undeniably a process and part of the whole growing up and progression to being a real adult without the financial support of your parents behind. Therefore, I am genuinely pleased to know that I have become my own person, with or without my family's background etc or what not, I am able to come out of this shell on my own, to face the real world by myself without being scared that I will struggle and not being able to stand on my own financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. I believe that it is through all these tough trainings which God has planned for me since young and up until today that have prepared me well to do the real thing call LIFE from my 26-years-old-self onwards. & for that, I am truly thankful and blessed to say that I am ready to live the years ahead of me with another new path coupled with more enriching experiences be it in the form of pain, struggle, happiness, opportunities etc which He has planned for me. 

I can't believe this, but I am very excited to be living and moving on to the next phase of my life along with all the people whom I truly love. The life that God has created for me is indeed a miracle, isn't it? He works in so many wonderful ways which you can't even imagine. 

Happy 4th of August everyone! ☺

* * *

In a whole, today's post is a bit of my personal sharing again about how my own experience at work over the years brought so much self-realisation to me from understanding my personal character/trait to teaching me lessons on how I should view or move forward in life. I hope my post today managed to help some of you who are probably going through something similar in life in a personal way. 

Thanks for dropping by this space!

Have a great Sunday and new week ahead~


Till then,

Reflection

30 July 2019
Can't believe it's been awhile since I last penned down any thoughts or things. 

How long has it been? 

I know it's been not too long, but somehow it felt like I've abandoned this space for a couple of months already. But in actual fact, it is just about close to a month. 

Truth to be told, the reason why I didn't really have the time spent to properly write or provide any updates herein was due to the fact that I was fallen really ill for quite some time. In fact, it was the longest point of time ever since I last felt this sick. I can't recall exactly what led to my inability to recover fully but an episode of recurring flu, cough, heavy breathing, headaches and also wobbliness in my legs hit me each time that I wanted to walk around freely. If you do know me as a person, I'm one to be actively moving around most of the time and also seen as one to be constantly on the go in the mall and any gym/boutique studios for exercises etc. In fact, "taking a break" has never seemed to be a term that I would really use, ever, in my life so far.

Based on the kind of experience that I encountered during my weakest point of time recently, I have even thought that I could have in fact retracted some form of Influenza virus or serious viral infections which have led to my slow rate in recovery. At some point, I even suspected whether I was bound to be getting some form of terminal illness (choi / touch wood *like the Cantonese way*). But honestly, I felt so useless at that time to the extent it led me to begin questioning so many irrelevant things around me and mostly I could share with you, it would be negative thoughts in general. I was quite harsh on myself as well during that phase, thinking that I was being really useless and worthless, unable to contribute to my work (because in the nature of work that I am in at present, I definitely feel that it's a guilty thing to be taking Medical Leaves for a long period continuously and it would create unnecessary comments by some since it's the corporate scene I was caught in), or even doing anything to help the people around me but only SLEEP/REST was all I could do. In actuality, I felt just really inadequate in lots of aspects back then which made me began questioning about my existence in a whole, and even the significance of my presence towards the people whom I care.

Just to briefly share with you, I was still so persistent and hard on myself during that phase in such a way that I was heading back to my workplace and trying to complete my tasks and ensuring that I was not creating any disruption at work so far. However, each time whenever I do that, my condition just worsened and it would lead me to visit the panel clinic again, getting more medications and as a result, leading to longer recovery time. At that time, I truly felt that I was not serving any good purpose to anyone in any sort of ways, be it at work, and to the people around me, whom I truly cared for. But just one fine day, after all the back & forth visits to the panel clinics, finally, I stumbled upon this really helpful female doctor who was on duty that evening at the same clinic that I have been going to while I was ill, which really opened up my mind and made everything to appear even clearer to me that made so much sense.

I still remember my experience from that evening to the clinic. That piece of memory still vividly sits and rings in my mind every now & then. Something that I truly felt it was the calling from God. I felt His presence. It was as though all my prayers were answered from that night. I don't mean to brag or sound boastful about this experience, but never ever in my life have I truly been touched in this way that my heart could finally let go a big load, SOOO big that I could really feel that the heaviness I was carrying all these time, throughout my 26 years of my life, was finally off.

The female doctor began her consultation with me as soon as I walked into the treatment room to see her. She was very patient with trying to understand my personal lifestyle, my working life pattern as well as to my recent encounters/experience emotionally or any special events which I was facing during that period. So, I began telling her not only I was having my menstruation that time, I also caught the flu, sore throat, cough etc from people at work, and explained to her about the recent passing of my grandmother whom I was so close with, to my working environment and job as a whole. From then on, after listening to my quick sharing based on the questions she's asked, she then threw another question to me "Are you happy at your workplace? Are you very stressed with work at the moment?" and then formed a clear conclusion that everything I was going through was stemming from the unhappiness that I have from my workplace, which created this tension breathing and headaches that I was constantly having then. I didn't even understand what she was talking about back then. In actual fact, I thought she must be silly thinking that my work placed such a great/important role in my life, when it was more likely the passing of my grandma that could have contributed to such great impact to me emotionally and mentally, which have caused my unhappiness. It never came across my mind that my work/job was the origination of all these negativities that I was experiencing then, which delayed my recovery process, and also led to such low immune system to my body that the doctor claimed from that night.

I had to take some time to digest what she said. She was truly helpful and kind by offering me another day of Medical Leave and told me to rest through the weekend, rather than going back to work. I wanted to refuse the offer initially because to me, it would just create another impression at my workplace then that I was "finding excuse" and "being lazy", hence, the extra Medical Leave. But since I was not getting any better and to heed the doctor's advice, I just accepted it. From that night onwards, I started thinking more about the words given by the doctor herself. Not only I had the time to pounder on late night thoughts about my workplace etc, I also had some time to speak to older people from relevant industry or at least have gone through similar working environment with me, and also with people whom cared for me. With the benefit of having those life conversations/sharing sessions and having been able to think through things properly without being disturbed with any work related matters then, it became so clear to me that what the doctor said to me was extremely true. SPOT ON.

The moment when I started thoroughly assessing all the surroundings/situations/issues/people (from materials to living things etc), it all made sense to me that it was my inability to let go and the guilt that I was facing from work. Deep down inside my heart, there was a very strong feeling that I had which led me to understand that I was ready to move on and to bid goodbye to my corporate job. It was a message that I felt being touched by, which did not really make much sense to me at that point of time, but rather, I knew it was a kind of question/decision that I would have to face or talk about or bring myself forward to those people who would eventually be affected by it - the intention of leaving my current job. This was because I knew so well and have assessed carefully about what would be the responses/reactions that I would get or should at least expect and be prepared to answer coming from those who matter to me:

  1. "Who will be supporting you financially after you leave your corporate job?" 
  2. "What are your plans after you quit your job?" 
  3. "Does this means that you are going to give up your career?" 
  4. "Are you sure this is what you want or have you really thought through it because it is a waste, if you asked me.."
  5. "I thought you love your job being in the financial industry and working as an Investment Banker all these while, because you seemed to be really good at your job.."
  6. "I thought this path was what you wanted all these while, hence, you joined the investment bank after you graduated with your masters degree.."
  7. "Just make sure you can support yourself financially even after you have quit your corporate job, because I definitely won't be responsible in giving you any allowance etc to support your lifestyle etc.."
The above mentioned so far were truly questions and responses that I somehow received when I began discussing about the "intention".. However, it was a first step that I had to have the courage to take no matter what. It was just a matter of time - when I wanted to bring that topic up eventually. Because I definitely can't run away from it. & the biggest weakness that I have to admit about having is my strong personality & attitude - whereby I would never ever in a million years quit or even give up on something or let alone say NO. Therefore, my biggest struggle at that point was the letting go part, especially on my first official full-time employed job since I graduated and came out of university. If you are one who has followed me through or really understood me well as a person/friend/family, never ever in my living years have I ever said such words: 
I'm giving up on you; I'm quitting this; I'm failing; I'm leaving you; I'm not listening or doing it, get someone else to do it for you; I give up, I can't do it anymore.... & the list goes on
In view of the above, it became EVEN clearer to me that I should start making a decision and informing to the responsible people at my workplace about my intention to leave before I formally make any decisions in quitting my corporate job. Even so, I kept worrying about what's going to happen after I leave, whether the junior I was closely working with and putting the effort to train then would have a difficult time coping with the job, and whether would it be too overwhelming for the team if I leave them. But much to my surprises and in fact, beyond my expectations, I actually received plenty of support and great advices by those who truly matters and from people whom I love. & from then on, it became so clear to me and everything made sense where I could finally put all the puzzle pieces together - I am certainly blessed and it was a "life" decision that I needed to finally make for myself given that I was backed by people who loved and truly cared for my happiness as a whole.  

& to further add on, I would like to say this...

From the moment when I have had the courage to accept the fact that leaving my job was the right decision that I needed to do for myself in order for me to move on to something better in life without truly weighing the real pros and cons from the outcome of my decision in leaving... that "LOAD" was immediately lifted from my heart etc, and without much realisation, I found that I was recovering from all the heavy breathing, migraines etc that I initially was diagnosed with by the doctor. Thankfully, these were all written not on baseless evidence or just pure story-telling or some fantasies which I have formed in my head; but people who were there every step of the way from before to after I have made such decision, knew and could be the living witnesses to all of my sharing today. & for that, I am truly thankful and would say that God has never abandoned me at times when I felt the most vulnerable and pointless in life where I couldn't ever see any directions to every actions that I was taking. He definitely ensured that I could see and experience those pain and feelings which He wanted me to have where it would prepare me to move on to next greater place in life which He's had in store for me (yet to be discovered, hehe)...

I know this may sound a bit too exaggerating or crazy to some of  you, but honestly, I would indeed view all these experiences which I have gone through so far from my workplace, unknowingly, as one of the best life-learning experience which has served me a very good training and foundation in my preparation to overcome anything in my life in the near future. I wouldn't ever say that my corporate job has always been easy to me since I started more than two years ago after I graduated, however, I have learnt so much through the hardest way which I am so happy to be sharing with you now that I am definitely prepared to move on to the next stage in life (not married life only of course), but also something else better which He has prepared for me. & again, I just want to say, up until today, I am still constantly amazed by how I am being blessed in so many different ways. 

Today's post is just something that I have been meaning to pen down since it's something so personal to me that I truly believe that by writing it down, it will only serve as a reminder to me when I look back some time in future on how I managed to survive being an adult in this realistic world... Not only that, I hope that my sharing today could probably be relatable to some of you out there?

Hmm.. That's all for now.. But I would love to share more on my corporate job etc when I have some time later on.. Maybe it would be another next lengthy post, haha. Stay tuned then!

Oh, would like to side track a bit too... Probably I'd also share more about my proposal experience and pen it down soon... If there's actually any one that would be interested in reading about it. Heh.

Anyways, it's the 30th of July today, and there's only one more day till the next new calendar month of August begins! Can't believe we have passed the half-year mark of 2019 already. It's been crazy and to learn how fast time flies honestly. But as long as we are spending it through the right way and with the right company all the time, it's never a waste..! Don't you guys all agree on that point with me? 😁😄😆

Okie dokes, that should be all for today.


Till then, 

What birthday celebration(s) meant for me in 2019

22 June 2019
Hey there, checking back in again, after my last post.. 

Was really glad that I had the chance to complete that post properly and was also overwhelmed by the kind words I've received thus far from friends who actually took time to read the post. It's amazing how such simple gestures can move and help someone through their day so easily. That's the beauty of life, isn't it? :)

On a separate note... How is everyone doing? 

I haven't been able to do much apart from being a very diligent patient, resting at home since I was contracted with some bad viral flu infection.. My condition turned out to be worse than I thought. Honestly, I am one who seldom fall sick, not especially one who gets flu/cough that easily. I'm not trying to boast about my immune system here or whatsoever, but frankly speaking, ever since I have started my corporate job at the Investment Bank since two years ago, it sort of taken a bit on my health since I believe, it's after all the working environment that I'm always cooped up at compared to the days where I love walking around outdoors travelling here & there while I was still in the UK back then. Coupled with the existing condition with the heavy construction site going around my office area in central KL since mid of last year onwards, it definitely don't help much to making my condition any better. If you don't know this about me, I'm one who definitely love walking rather than taking the train or card ride, if I were given a choice. Of course, this is also subject to the weather and environment conditions. It goes without saying, the weather here in KL is not really an ideal place to walk, let alone the safety part itself.  Anyway, I feel that I should also take this opportunity to slow down, take a bit of a breather, and not think about work etc for once. Feels nice actually to be able to "R E S T", in some ways (if you get what I mean).

I noticed how much I've always wanted to blog and share my birthday celebration(s) experience but those posts never seemed to have a chance to be published, especially the one that I truly wanted to talk about being at home here in KL to celebrate my birthday with my family members after 6 years (this was two years ago, back in 2017 - which was the picture that I've shared taken with my grandma then). Therefore, this time round, I'm definitely taking the effort to ensure that I will at least get this post out before it turns rusty and no where to be seen/heard ever again... heh.

So, for my birthday this year, it was indeed a memorable one. Instead of having one big fancy birthday celebration with my friends altogether and another one with my family, I had the chance to separate my birthday celebration(s) over a few special meal occasions with some friends, family and of course le bf. The month of March certainly did feel like a birthday month to me over big feasts, which I was truly thankful of ;) Which also explains why I got a bit puffed up (especially swollen on my face) after those endless rounds of big meals from March 16th up until the end of March! Just a gentle reminder, my birthday officially falls on the 18th of March, to those of you who are not familiar of. Hehe. 

Without further ado, I shall proceed with the main agenda of today 😃



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15th March,
Friday

First round of birthday celebration started on a Friday where it was a working day. Shortly after work, I rushed back straight home to get myself changed even though it was like going through a battlefield (since it was a Friday, and you could imagine how TERRIBLE the traffic from KL back to Shah Alam area would be), all getting prepared for the night - to see my Manchester girls who took the effort to plan a dinner for me at Beast restaurant in Batai area. It was such a nice time to see the girls, laugh about silly things even almost anything ridiculous we could ever think about over nice steak and wine. & most of the time, these are the simplest things in life that can easily fulfil one's heart. Good food, friends and quality time. 💖


As always, these girls know how to arrange cute little stuffs like that - a cute birthday cake and balloons! :)



Just me with the birthday cake and balloons that they got for me :)



From L - R: Chooi Yau, Jun Yi, Lu Lu & Ivy. Can't believe I've known most of them since Manchester days. <3




Another shot. Since most of them requested more pics due to the angle problem haha.



Another one... (actually there's more, but.. I will not do that here) Haha..


Selfie with Yau Yau.... 😍


My main girls... <3 Lu Lu & Jun Yiiiii... Never once a day without a good laugh whenever I'm with these girls.



Lastly, one with the fatty 🐶 


We didn't do anything crazy after the meal, but instead, they were all very accommodating to my wishes. They knew me too well, so well that they know "clubbing" or anything hardcore wouldn't be my thing. Thus, they suited to my request and brought me to a speakeasy bar located around TTDI area - Soma Cocktail Bar. We had another good time chilling and catching up over cocktails, which was truly a thing that I enjoyed most of the time. Since I'm not one who goes for hard liquor but rather the sweeter-side of things, this cocktail bar was certainly the right pick of location for a second round to me..  Would definitely come back again if you asked!


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Another simple birthday celebration over a lunch at Rakuzen restaurant in Pavilion Elite that my department threw for the March babies. 




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16th March 2019, 
Saturday



This amazing woman here Chloe, spoilt me over such a wonderful Omakase meal at Sushi Hibiki in Four Seasons Shoppes, KL. Couldn't be any happier to spend my 26th in such a way with this bestie. She's always been there for me no matter what. Even though we've been through so much and it has not always been a smooth journey since last time for our friendship, but I'm glad that after all these years, we still made an effort to stay close in touch and check-in on one another every once in awhile. & for that, I can't wait to see how another 10 years down the road for our friendship would looked like! 


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17th March 2019, 
Sunday


So proud of them all dressed up in such a "lady-like" manner just for the afternoon tea party, haha!!



The moment where I've been waiting for... "Hold your tea cups, ladies!" *grins*



Making my "4th-birthday-wish" for this year... *feeling thankful*


It was a wonderful afternoon tea time celebration with my favourite June babies, Yee Xin & Evonne! After countless deliberations, they finally decided to bring me to St Regis' Drawing Room for an afternoon tea party, teehee. I definitely would say it's the best decision ever. They even gifted me with this Hammam Spa voucher which is valid until this year end to pamper myself over a spa session anytime! Thank you so much girls ♡ 

& again, it was nevertheless a wonderful time catching up with these girls. If you don't know about this already, these June babies are the hardest to catch most of the time since they are super busy corporate people. hehe. Hence, it was definitely great to laugh and check-in again on one another before we bid our goodbyes till' the next meet up.

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18th March 2019,
Monday


The actual day itself. Also a working day for me. I didn't apply for any leave, as you can clearly see when you start scrolling down... Nonetheless, it was a day filled with good wishes, happy vibes and wonderful surprises. Can't say it was a bad idea going to work after all!


Me attempting to make the first cut to the birthday cake that my lovely colleagues surprised me with..! More specifically, it was Allina, my lovely junior colleague who made such arrangement. Thank you dear :)


Just one of the boys trying to pull a joke again on me (what's new). Look at the notebook behind that says "Serious Business Woman". Yeap. That's my notebook. Haha.


A close-up of the birthday cake that Allina ordered for me! ☺


Almost everyone from my Debt Capital Markets department was present in this picture, except for my HOD of course. 


Another lovely surprise, from my one & only beloved sister, Klara. Such amazing flower arrangement... Can't say I'm not impressed!


& for the night... 

I had decided to spend it at a rather new & upcoming restaurant called Gooddam which was located around SS2 The Hub area with my family.  




A simple family picture after our dinner course was completed.



Another less serious/formal one with our peace signs ☮


With le younger brother, who always love hiding behind me (since he always complains about being or LOOKING FAT...) Also, another thank you to him for treating me this dinner meal... :')



One with le pug. He's dressed up in his work attire... Hence, which explains the "shirt" he was wearing then..


One with all the cakes and flower basket! 


Just so you know, the cake above is from @fatcakeco. Do check out their instagram page if you're interested in making a customised/personalised order for someone special. 


In a whole, I was contented with the whole birthday celebrations - from the office up until the night. It was a simple one that I wouldn't complain about. Thank you to everyone that has made my day possible and a memorable one. ♡⼼


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19th March 2019,
Tuesday

DC Restaurant 

A quality time with le 🐶



Our complimentary bread basket... Real yumzz (!)


Oh, hello there monsieur..! Where are you looking?


A picture with him. Finally a decent one after a few attempts due to the lighting and also face. 

HAHAH. I can't believe this is probably the 7th birthday celebrations that we've ever had together? Lost counted whether did we actually managed to celebrate all birthdays together in the past.. But whatever it is... Thank you for everything. Even though dinner didn't really start off at the right note due to some minor hiccups (late, traffic, work etc), but I'm glad we managed to finish it off with a nice one :)


I think I was so disappointed when I saw this! HAHA... Part of me wished that he could have put in more effort by replacing my name to "Dear, b, or something else..." instead of my name again! (After so many years, still never learn.. tsk tsk..)


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21st March 2019,
Thursday

& finally;;

A co-celebration with le pug that Jeannie, Yin and Hong did for us. Thank you guys 💗💗

It was after our exercise class that we went on straight to spam good Wagyu beef sukiyaki at Mo Mo Paradise Lot 10, Isetan. I know we should have gone for a healthier option since it was after all those cardio class from cycling...But, I guess it's okay to indulge once in awhile, especially for a good reason, hehe. It was such a guilty meal but nonetheless a great one! After that, they brought us to the Tokyo Restaurant for some cheesecake and tiramisu! 


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In a nutshell, I just want to give a big shoutout to those who have been part of my birthday celebration(s) this year and also to those who have taken the time and effort to drop lovely messages to me through WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram and any form of social media platforms you can think of. It's wonderful how some people whom I don't often keep in contact with still would take the initiative to remember your birthday and drop a personal message to you as a wish on your special day. 

☻ 

You guys are truly amazing. I wouldn't be who I am today, if it weren't for all the love I've been showered with all these years. 

Thank you;;


Till then,

Losing someone so dearly

21 June 2019
Today's post is rather a dedication post to my most highly-respected, lovable, and precious grandma who left us too soon on a Friday, 10th of May 2019

I would very much like to pen down every thoughts, memories and feelings that I have towards my late grandma here in this space. Even though I know it's often easier said than done, however, I hope that this post will always serve as a reminder to my future self too that I once had the privilege of being blessed with such great love from my grandma whom I shared such fond memories of growing up as a child since young for a whole 26 years. 

I remember everything so vividly, the night before her passing.

It was a late Thursday. I got off work as usual, and was just finishing up my late dinner at Super Saigon after a late night p.m. Pilates class around Bangsar area where I started receiving text messages from the WhatsApp group chat I was in with my aunties and mum. Around 9 something at night, one of my aunties took the initiative to update the group chat saying that my grandma's uric acid level was exceedingly high, far too high than the readings of someone deemed normal. 

Just a fair share to all of you while you're reading this, my grandma has been in and out of the hospital for her regular check-ups on a diligent basis and everything was as per normal until some time last year around late May/early June of 2018, where her report showed that her kidney's functioning level has greatly reduced to quite a worrisome figure. From then onwards, she has been visiting the hospital and treatment centres more often to carry out her dialysis treatment. Not only the dialysis treatment has taken quite a toll on her body and health as my grandma is not someone really small in size but rather quite the opposite, coupled with such thin fine legs that my grandma have, these combinations and changes definitely did not complement well to her entire package + outgoing, loud personality/behaviour as well as her once "active" lifestyle as a grandma. 

She started losing more muscles mass and strength since then, but even so, she was still very persistent in going for her usual Mahjong and yum cha sessions a few times in a week when she's not at the dialysis centre doing her treatment or at home watching her favourite TV programmes. If you don't know about this, my grandma has always known to have a strong passion towards gambling, more particularly "Mahjong" with her friends and kaki-s. Hence, she's really active most days running here & there for her "gambling session" and to meet up with her friends for meals/yum cha (coffee). 

Things started deteriorating when she insisted on going to meet her friends on a Christmas eve last year in 2018, where I remember I just had my Lasik treatment done not too long ago, hence I wanted to go over to visit her since I was still on my Medical leave then instead of my usual routine working at the office, only to find out that she has already gone out for her Mahjong and yumcha session since early morning. But this time round, things didn't turn out quite the same like it used to, in fact, we were alerted that grandma has fallen down and it was rather a bad fall. The driver who took her there sent her back home immediately and I witnessed it all - from how remorseful she felt to how she started blaming herself for being stubborn etc; all because she didn't heed the advice from my uncle before that for not getting out of the house especially on a Christmas eve period (just to be safe, like the Chinese saying goes). Since that fall onwards, her mobility started becoming worse and she began to rely more on the helper and family members who were living under the same roof with her. Things didn't turn optimistic as she felt useless/powerless most days since she could not move around independently for her usual activities which she once enjoyed attending to so often. However, she was still so cheerful and the same old person each time when I go over to visit her, speak to her etc. Just that, I could not help but to notice the difference in my grandma: it felt that she no longer feel passionate or eager about the life she was living; in my opinion, I had the impression that she was not living the best life she envisioned herself to have during her 80s, being out there with her friends, playing and gambling till late and after dinner. There was certainly a difference in the aura that she gave off. 

Another turning point which made her condition worsened was when her persistency and stubbornness drove her to a second and final fall this year, around late March/early April. She insisted strongly to visit the hair salon somewhere located in PJ area, a recommendation by her friend, instead of her usual hairdresser which is much more convenient and easily accessible. I'm not sure how well you guys know old folk's behaviour are, but if they want something, they will definitely make a big fuss out of it till' they get 'em. Hence, my auntie had no choice but to send her to this hairdresser which was highly-recommended by her friend. However, things didn't look optimistic at all when she stubbornly did not wait till' my auntie settled down with the car parking etc before she started walking to the place with the helper. As soon as my auntie arrives, little did she know that my grandma has suffered another fall, but this time round, she was lucky that her fall was not only supported by her helper but also a kind old man who managed to catch her in time. Since then, she not only stopped going out for her usual activities, but it was almost only the dialysis treatment centre that she would visit. This was because standing up was even a huge difficulty for her then. 

From that fall onwards, all I could hear was news of grandma being difficult, uncooperative, emotional etc from her own children, including my mum of course. I felt really useless each time and it was really hurtful to learn about these things, seeing that I could not help much as I was not in the best position to "voice" out my thoughts etc at all. It was really difficult learning about them but also not being able to help grandma out of that situation which she was trapped at. Rather, I blame myself for not spending enough time with her since I was too focused on attending my usual 9-6.30+++ p.m. routine from Monday's - Friday's and my weekend activities. 

Fast-forward to the day before her passing after I have received those text messages from the WhatsApp group about her condition, I immediately head to the University Hospital at UM which she was admitted to. When I arrived late that night, she was still not given a proper treatment/room area but rather a small space separated from other patients in the Emergency room. The only reason why she was admitted to UM was because of the doctor's referral. According to her usual doctor who treats her, UM is one of the places which has all the equipments catered to her needs, in the event if grandma requires additional assistance regarding her kidney's condition etc. The chances of grandma surviving that night due to her condition was a 50-50. Even so, as I arrived at the hospital, after seeing her, I still had a very strong feeling that deep down, grandma will survive this as always, and I know she is very strong. That was why no matter how hard I kept fighting back my tears as I spoke to her in person that night, I didn't want to think that my farewell to her late that night was in fact my official last goodbye to her. 

Most of us left the hospital as soon as we were comforted by the idea that she could finally be admitted to a proper treatment area upstairs to proceed with the dialysis treatment that she has been waiting for. I remember only going to bed around 2-ish in the morning that day and also asking mum when will we hear an update again from the hospital or any news whatsoever. But mum replied: "No news is definitely good news. That's what we all want." Yes. That's what I thought to myself too. However, shortly by 5 something close to 6 a.m., the news that we all never wanted to hear did come after all. All I knew was "PO PO IS IN CRITICAL STAGE NOW!" - words that shouted out of my mum's mouth that morning. I immediately rushed out of bed, remembering that I didn't even brush my teeth etc, just changed into something really decent and followed my mum, sister and younger brother to the car where we rushed straight to the UM. 

Everything felt like a dream. It felt so surreal. My head spun endlessly and I couldn't recall the exact feeling that I had then but just the constant fear and thought of losing my grandma forever. The moment we arrived at the hospital and went straight to her treatment bed, she was already wrapped up in a mommy-like, it was as though they were ready to take her corpse away to the cold room for storage. It was my first time witnessing such a sight. At that moment it hit me really hard. It hit me so badly that I felt numbness in my whole entire body. I couldn't believe that the words, the touch, the warmth, the sense of feeling, the voice, the body contact and interactions that I had with my grandma the night before, were really the last moments and closure that I have with her. It wasn't the best proper farewell and I certainly didn't see any of this coming, but I felt the relief and peace in my heart, knowing that I managed to exchange words and experience such heartfelt moments with her before she leave. 

As much as I would have wished that I was there the moment she passed, part of me felt that maybe she knew all along that she was ready to leave. She didn't want any of us to see her off. In fact, when I saw her body as we unzipped the bag in the ward, her lips and eyes were shut nicely; lips were giving off a sign of smile. I was glad to see such a sight. It felt comforting to know that she was definitely at a better place now in Heaven. She no longer needs to go through the suffering she dreads for. It was such a hectic morning and everything happened too fast. All of us - the close family members, just needed time to mourn and let our minds process the fact that grandma has officially left us that morning. We were also supposed to have an early Mother's Day celebration over a potluck feast the next day (Saturday) as Mother's Day was on a Sunday. So we, the cousins, aunties and uncles from my mum's side has had it all planned out - even regarding the food etc to bring. Instead of a Mother's Day celebration this year for my grandma and mum, we had a 3-days wake session held at Nirvana memorial centre. I believe that the funeral was an occasion that brought all of us closer, seeing how much close and fond memories we shared together among the cousins and families. It was really a rare occasion for everyone to be at the same place and time, even though it was over a funeral. 

I'm not sure whether how true this holds, but during the passing of my grandma, it definitely helped me in realising those who will always truly be there for me as a close, caring friend, someone who would reach out or even check-in on me at times when I'm at my lowest point in life. And for that, I'm eternally grateful and thankful of to have identified and known such kind people in life at this age. I can't help but to notice that losing someone so close and dear to you could teach you so much about life lessons, even though it's not supposed to be learnt that way. But more often than not, believe it or not, it is always when you start to lose something so important to you or probably the thought of losing something important to you forever when it actually happens, will leave such a significant impact in your life. Of course, this is also subject to individual, depending on each and everyone's reaction and response to such life-changing events. 

However, the biggest key takeaway lesson that I can safely gather from this incident and through the passing of my grandma is that...

Life will still go on no matter whether you are having your bad or good days; people still come and go. It is your responsibility and own effort to ensure that for whatever you're doing in your life, you don't ever live with regrets, or don't ever walkaway thinking that you can still do it again tomorrow if it's something that you should have done it for today. Be happy with every choices that you make in life. Don't live by constant complaints about how you should have done it, but rather, make a change about your life so that you don't have to live by the same complaints anymore. If God has blessed us with a chance to live everyday, make full use of it by sharing positivity through your words, be it a small encouragement or even any form of compliments. Make someone's day happy by simply living your best every day. Don't ever be a sour grape, or sore eyes about other people's achievements or whatsoever. Learn to say sorry and also thank you genuinely at times when you need to, it definitely helps a lot. Be thankful and grateful for the people we have been blessed with in life 😊

I guess that's all about my sharing for today on my thoughts about life etc. Maybe it's been quite a bore to most of you. But I'm glad that I still have a space that I'm "sort of" maintaining up until today which allows me to vent out my feelings at times when I have no space to shout out to. However, this is probably a personal preference thing. Not many people would agree to this form of practice, but some would view it as attention seeking. However, believe it or not, blogging/writing has been my thing since primary school days last time if you have followed my blog since ages or to those who knew me way back then. So it's not something new to me. I would say it's more of a habit or lifestyle that I've adapted to which has also partially helped to mould me to the individual that I am of today 😆

Alright.. & finally, some of the more recent pictures or rather pictures that I would definitely love to post here since my grandma carries such a wonderful and loving cute smile on her face in the following pictures that I'm about to share *winksss*


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This was taken on 23rd December 2017. During Vincent & Janet's morning tea ceremony at Vin's place. 



A close-up with the remaining cousins from mum's side who decided to throw a Mother's Day celebration for our grandma. Taken on 13 May 2017. She always has a difficulty giving out a big smile when it comes to a big group photo. Especially when I remember that night was a drama (only those who were present will truly understand what happened that night). 


Another small group photo :)


During the dinner reception of #LoVinJanet (Vin & Janet's wedding) on 23rd December 2017. Always loved calling my grandma over to take spontaneous selfies. 


Another one where my grandma has shown her grin so happily during the night of the wedding dinner. It was such a memorable night where I can't believe grandma could sustain through the entire night without complaining a word of tired! 


Me dressed up in my own design of my gown with my ever so pretty and fabulous grandma at Grand Hyatt Hotel's lobby.


A random steamboat night at Janet's parents place - this is another time to call for a random spontaneous selfie with grandma again! 


My first CNY eve celebration dinner at Ritz Carlton Hotel, KL with grandma back in 2017. Both of us looking so "Ang-Ang" to usher the new year of ROOSTER!


Grandma's co-birthday celebration with Wayn Min this year where she turned 84 during her year, which is the year of PIG *OINK OINK*. As you can see from this picture, she has aged so much ever since she started her dialysis treatment coupled with the first fall she had during Christmas Eve.  We didn't manage to have a group photo with her at all this time round during her birthday celebration at my aunt's place.


Throwback to a time where all of us were so happily hugging one another at MBS Hotel, Singapore during Esther & Sean's big day!



This was taken many, many years back!! Believe it or not, I think I was still in college those days, or probably only on my first year UNI!. How time flies... Notice how my grandma loves wearing the same old pink top? hehe. This top was known as one of her favourites for all occasion according to my relatives.


And finally, turning 24 in 2017. Celebrated it at St Regis over a close-knitted family lunch occasion. My first birthday celebration with grandma after 6 years. It was really a great one ♡ 


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Last but not least...

To my late grandma,

I hope that one day as I grow older, I would still be able to maintain such activeness and outgoing lifestyle with a group of people and friends to share common interests with me. I hope that even when I hit my 80s, I would still keep myself up-to-date with the latest gossip news in the entertainment and show biz industry like you. I hope that I can still stay up late like you to watch live matches on badminton etc as I hit your age in future... I know that I no longer can have the privilege of tasting your best home cooked meals ever again, but trust me, the taste of every dishes you have prepared for us all since young will always ring strongly in my mind. I know you can always sing praises about your dishes and how you have always complained about dishes outside can't be compared to yours simply because your cooking is no doubt one of the bests that I have ever tasted up until today. From the pork trotter vinegar, braised chicken feet with mushroom sauce, chicken rice wine, vegetarian dishes, fish head curry noodles, Yong Tao Fu, and also to endless choice of soup you have prepared for us since young, they are sincerely the best I have ever had in this lifetime. I don't know when will I ever have the chance of tasting such wonderful delicacies again, but one thing I know for sure is that you are definitely at a safe and better place now. I am sincerely glad to know that God has freed you from all the sufferings. You are truly a grandma that every grandkid would longed to have. And I thank you for always listening to my rants about schooling days, work, relationships, mum, money etc. I wonder when will I have the chance to see you again? Probably the next time when you come back to visit me in my dreams again... I miss you always. Miss the touch of your warmth around my waist.. How you always say I need to keep myself warm since my feet and hands always felt cold. Thank you for allowing me to serve you as your granddaughter for these 26 years. I hope I have not disappointed you in any ways. 

LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER MY CUTE, LOVING GRANDMA WHO IS TALENTED IN SO MANY WAYS ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE. YOU ARE INDEED A SUPER MUM AND GRANDMA. 


Till then,

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